Courtroom Gaffes

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are 22 questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

“Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”

“The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?”

 

“Were you present when your picture was taken?”

“Were you alone or by yourself?”

“Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?”

“Did he kill you?”

“How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?”

“You were there until the time you left, is that true?”

“How many times have you committed suicide?”


Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? 
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?


Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes. 
Q: How many were boys? 
A: None. 
Q: Were there any girls?


Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?


Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?


Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?


Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?


Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.


Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.


Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.


Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: I have been since early childhood.


Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

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We Would Rather Do Business With 1000 Al Qaeda Terrorists Than With 1 American!!

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia. You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. We are a society who holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty, and after all, it is just a sign. You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign.

Answer: A Funeral Home

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Remember When…

If you lived as a child in the 40’s, 50’s, 60’s or 70’s. Looking back, it’s hard to believe that we have lived as long as we have… 

 

  • We licked the beaters and didn’t have anyone telling us we were going to become deathly ill from eating batter with raw eggs in it!
  • At Easter time, we had our dyed Easter eggs in a nest on the counter and they sat out at room temperature for the week after Easter. We would peel one whenever we felt like it. I Can’t Believe We Made It” !
  • As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
  • Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets.
  • Not to mention hitchhiking to town as a young kid!)
  • We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors.
  • We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times we learned to solve the problem.
  • We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. No cell phones. Unthinkable.
  • We played dodgeball and sometimes the ball would really hurt. We got cut and broke bones and broke teeth, and there were no law suits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame, but us. Remember accidents?
  • We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it. – We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugar soda but we were never overweight…we were always outside playing.
  • We shared one grape soda with four friends, from one bottle and no one died from this.
  • We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, video games at all, 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, Personal Computers, Internet chat rooms …we had friends.
  • We went outside and found them. We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s home and knocked on the door, or rung the bell or just walked in and talked to them.
  • Imagine such a thing. Without asking a parent! By ourselves! Out there in the cold cruel world! Without a guardian. How did we do it?
  • We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.
  • Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t, had to learn to deal with disappointment…..
  • Some students weren’t as smart as others so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade…..Horrors. – Tests were not adjusted for any reason.
  • Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. No one to hide behind.
  • The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law, imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years has been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. And you’re one of them. Congratulations!

 

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