HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
- You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. *Derrick, age 8
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
- You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. * Alan, age 10
- No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with. * Kirsten, age 10
A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours he hadn’t gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn’t fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going too fast to honk the horn on his bike and he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be out done, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes–both going well over 120 mph–blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, “And you’re not going to believe this, but there’s guy on a 10-speed bike honking to pass.”
He says, “Rabbi, I think my wife is poisoning me.”
The Rabbi says, “I’ll tell you what…let me talk to her. I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”
A week later the Rabbi calls Schwartz and says, “I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours.”
Schwartz says, “Do youhave any advice?”
The Rabbi says, “Yeah. Take the poison.”
Pajamas – Do not put pajamas in the dirty clothes after only one wear. It is scientific fact that you do not get dirty whilesleep. Pajamas can be worn many timesbefore they smell bad enoughto warrant being thrown in the dirty clothes. Exception: You may put pajamas in the dirty clothes if you throw up on them or something else that may be deemed disgusting, but only if they stink.
Socks – Unroll your socks before putting them in the dirty clothes. Otherwise, I will start washing and drying them in their original rolled up little balls. Special note: Unroll socks before throwing them down the laundry chute. If you don’t, the law of physics causes them to bounce off the washer and land behind the washer or dryer, and Mom is getting too old to crawl back there and fish them out.
Clothes Hung Up – Clean clothes can be easily removed from the clothes bar by gently lifting up on the hanger and pulling towards you. The clean item can now be removed from the hanger for wearing. The wrong way to remove clean clothes is to YANK on one corner of the garment. This causes the hanger to go flying around the clothes bar, scratching the wall and becoming impossibly entangled with the neighboring hangers. Special note: This makes Mom want to choke children. So far, she has been able to refrain from this action.
Dirty Clothes Rule – If you have made the decision to put something in the dirty clothes, do not later decide that you, for some reason, now need to retrieve it by digging through the clothes baskets, leaving behind a mess that looks like a small tornado whipped through the laundry room, leaving a scene of devastation in its wake. Special note: The only thing worse than having to put stinking clothes in the laundry baskets is having to do it over and over and over.
In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
- On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (and that’s the only time I have to work on my hair).
- On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
- On a bar of Dial soap: “Directions: Use like regular soap.” (and that would be how???….)
- On some Swanson frozen dinners: “Serving suggestion: Defrost.” (but, it’s just a suggestion).
- On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): “Do not turn upside down (well…duh, a bit late, huh)!
…why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
…why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?
…why you don’t ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
…why “abbreviated” is such a long word?
…why doctors call what they do “practice”?