Giving 100%

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants more than 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here’s a little math that might prove helpful.

What makes life 100%?

If A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then, H A R D W O R K 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But, A T T I T U D E 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And, Bullshit = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but B.S. will put you over the top.

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Spelling Test

Did you know that “verb” is a noun? If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue? If you’ve read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn’t this also mean that you would have to “member” somebody inorder to remember them? Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing? Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolize two women living under one roof? Why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? Why isn’t “palindrome” spelled the same way backwards?

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The 5 questions most feared by men

This is a classic revisited.

1. What are you thinking about?

2. Do you love me?

3. Do I look fat?

4. Do you think she is prettier than me?

5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: “I’m sorry if I’ve been quiet, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.” This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. Baseball. b. Football. c. How fat you are. d. How much prettier she is than you. e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died. Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”

Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.” Inappropriate responses include: a. Oh Yeah, dirt loads. b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c. That depends on what you mean by love. d. Does it matter? e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!” Among the incorrect answers are: a. Compared to what? b. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin. c. A little extra weight looks good on you. d. I’ve seen fatter. e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she’s prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: “Of course not!” Incorrect responses include: a. Yes, but you have a better personality b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner c. Not as pretty as you were when you were her age d. Define pretty e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. The real answer, of course, is “Buy a Corvette and a Boat!” No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the These lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not – don’t you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I’d get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can’t use them; she’s left-handed…
WOMAN: – – – silence – – –
MAN: (Under his breath) oops.

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Phone Call

(H – Husband, W – Wife)

H – “Hello?”

W – “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

H – “Yes.”

W – “Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It’s absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?”

H – “What’s the price?”

Continue reading

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REAR-VIEW TERROR

Randall looked in the rear-view mirror. There was that car again, right on his tail. It had been there for blocks. Quickly he made a left and ducked into an alley. The car was still there. Why was he being followed? He had to think. Suddenly it all made sense. Of course, Randall realized. He was a tow-truck driver.

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Pearly Gates

A guy is at the pearly gates, waitingto be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin’ through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering…

Saint Peter goes through the book several imes, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, “You know, I can’t see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you’re in.” The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Yeah, there was this one time when I was drivin’ down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of ’em, torturing this chick. Infuriated, I get out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. “So, I rip the leader’s chain off his face and smash him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yell to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'” St. Peter, impressed, says “Really? When did this happen?” “Oh, about ten minutes ago.”

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Only In America

We’re the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world, and with more diets to keep us from eating it. We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town . . . where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.

In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we’re out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business. We’re supposed to be the most civilized nation on earth, but we still deliver payrolls in armored cars.

We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but mumble through half the words in the “Star Spangled Banner”.

We’ll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 80 miles an hour on slick pavement to makeup for lost time.

We demand speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won’t buy a car if it can’t go over 100 miles an hour

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