He Said, She Said

GRUNT

SHE: A noise emitted while lifting something heavy or exerting great effort.

HE: An umbrella statement meaning anything from “fine”, to “It could be the gasket.”

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Noun Genders

The Washington Post asked its readers to assign a gender to a noun of their choice and explain their reasons:

KIDNEYS — female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it… and, of course, there’s the hot air part.

SPONGES — female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE — female, because it is always getting hit on.

ZIPLOC BAGS — male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

HOURGLASS — female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER — male, because it hasn’t evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL — female. HA! You thought I’d say male. But consider this: It gives man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

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You’re Probably A Computer Nerd If . . .

. . . choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma.

. . . in college you thought spring break was metal fatigue failure.

. . . the salespeople at the local computer store can’t answer any of your questions.

. . . you sit backwards on the Disneyland rides to see how they do the special effects.

. . . you window shop at Radio Shack.

. . . you know what “http://” stands for.

. . . you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.

. . . your laptop computer costs more than your car.

. . . you’ve tried to repair a $5 radio.

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Fired

Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked why by her former employer, she answered: “I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!”

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Public Servants

“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher. The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.” The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked. “Sure,” said the young student confidently. “Means carrying a child.”

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Lunch Time

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I’m going to jump off this building.” The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed,”Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.” The blonde opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I’m jumping too.” The next day the Irishman opened his lunchbox, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. The blonde opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral the Irishman’s wife was weeping. She said, “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!” The Mexican’s wife also wept and said, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.” Everyone turned and stared at the blonde’s wife. “Hey, don’t look at me,” she said, “He made his own lunch.”

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Top 8 Bad Ideas of the Year

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting “Please come out and give yourself up.”

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

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Shark-Bit

“…And so that completes the Lyle Little Fishing School’s 1 week course on the proper way to catch sharks. I’m proud of you, class. We started out with 15 students, and 14 made it all the way through. As for you, Mr. Walton, we are all grieving at the passing of Ted, your best friend and fellow fishing school classmate. I guess I should have explained in further detail what I meant by ‘throw your chum in the water.'”

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PMS

SHE: Pre Menstrual Syndrome

HE: The name health professionals had to settle upon after realizing that “Mad Cow Disease” was already taken.

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